Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Gold Stars

I am a stubborn, loud, scrappy individual.
It would seem silly to assume that this stupid cancer ( a haywire cellular version of myself) is anything less.

So, Christmas Eve came with some not so great news. Could be because of all of my mocking of the Caucasian Jesus-Mary-n-Josephs. (I'm sorry Brookside-Boulevard-nativity-scene-putter-uppers, Mary did not look like a Rockwellian Gweneth Paltrow). Could be. Could be simply that cancer is a nasty evil thing that wants to live just as bad as I do.

The big bad ugly chemo isn't working as well as The Captain had hoped. The lymph nodes in my neck have gotten a little bigger. The tumor hasn't gotten any smaller. The skin involvement hasn't decreased. I can't have surgery yet.


But there are other methods to try, other means of beating this fucker back. Instead of Napalming my entire body, as we've been doing since July, The Captain has decided to use a smarter, more targeted type of Chemo in the form of pills. I had no idea it even came in pills. The pills have names I cannot even begin to pronounce. I will take twelve of them a day for a week or some other such insane regimen. This part isn't over.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on some really messed up trip to Mordor.

I cry like I sweat. Most girls "glow" or "perspire". Most girls let loose one angelic Hepburn tear. I sweat like a linebacker and I cry like a six year old.

The good Captain, unnerved by my weeping, set out some new plans of attack. One of his ideas was to have me skip this awesome stuff (Adriamyacin and Cytoxan) that's made me so sick. We could reconvene in two weeks and go from there with the pills. The pills won't make me so sick. For a minute that sounded like a gift. To not feel this bad for two whole weeks, fourteen whole days! Think of the minutes. Praise little Caucasian baby Jesus! But the chemo is doing some work and to let my body off of it would simply offer cancer an easier window to slip through. I told him to string up the drip. I'm stubborn, not stupid.

I've spent the last four days laid out by the nasty crap I voluntarily put in my body. Worse than the worst chemically induced recreational hangover I've ever had. Worse than waking up licking the asphalt in the Soldier Field parking lot. Worse than the shot-for-shot Jaegermeister incident of 94'! Worse than all the rest.

I am a proponent of the gold star. I love a gold star. A solid mark of measured accomplishment. As we get older there aren't so many (*sigh*). I guess I believed this bad trip would come without setbacks if I just applied myself. I come from an "apply yourself" people. Abigail, apply yourself! See, gold star! Easy peasy. If I just roar long and hard and mean at this thing long enough it will just wither and die. No. This thing will roar back. It is made of me. And how do you apply yourself when getting out of bed and into the kitchen without puking on the dog seems like it should come with triumphant theme music? I freak out a little (more than usual) if I cannot measure progress and feel as if I'm failing. And failure is not an option. Really....

This is not a linear journey. I have been fooling myself into believing if I just put my head down and kept one foot in front of the other than it would all be alright. I have not failed because its not alright. It just isn't alright. It's cancer, not a women's history final. It will get less not alright. I just have to give up on the idea that setbacks can't happen. They will happen. And I'll get through it.

So nasty bitch cancer, you may be mean and roar big and bad but I'm going to roar back, meaner and louder, and guess what- I've got thumbs fucker, so I win!! Kiss my gold star! I win because today I didn't throw up on the dog, so HA!

Cue the theme music.


Rhonda said...

Oh, you so deserve a gold star!

After my couple days of dealing with doctors offices for my minor mishap (I have somehow turned a less than 12 inch fall into a broken fibula that is now requiring surgery), I think you need a whole room full.

Keep fighting the good fight and I know that cancer will realize it's met it match and go away. It might not go quietly, but nothing is ever easy is it?

Hang in there sweetie! I'll hobble over there with some gold stars for you :)

Venus in the Kitchen said...

Before you were sick, I was always in awe of your perfect combination of sweetness and true grit, soft and gentle as a kitten and yet fierce and powerful as a lion. That is how I would have described you before cancer and that magical combination still shines brilliantly as you battle this fucking disease. I hope in the midst of all this terrible sickness that you will find many gold stars. They may not be in the places you expected, but I’m confident you will find them. After all “like attracts like” and with someone who’s spirit shines as brightly as yours, it is inevitable that the gold stars are falling all over themselves trying to get to you.

Daniel said...

Happy new year btw. I hope that in time that this new year will at some point prove to be better for you and I than the second half of the past year. It was certainly a trip, thats for sure. I still have nights that I lay up wondering if its all real or just a big stupid dream. Countless hours trying to think if there was anything that I could have done differently that would effect my outcome to being here. That whole butterfly effect mentality.

Im so disappointed that things didn't go the way that they were 'foreseen' as going. When you told me that day I came to visit you my heart sank again just as much as it did the day that they told me I wasn't done afterall either. But hey, we may be laid up on couches for days at a time, but we do it with positive attitudes;)

CLD said...

Get Better!

Kai said...

Gold stars do indeed rock but I have always been partial to the foil star aspect. Particularly the RED ones!! They're just so bright and shiny but with a wild streak. Kinda like you my lovely. You deserve a whole galaxy of gold stars!

I know that you will do whatever it takes to win! I love you and I miss you very much.

steph said...

Hey there. You should check out my blog, goldstar4trying.blogspot.com. You do deserve a gold star!