Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Gone

In fourteen hours this part ends.

I've been thinking on it for nine months, how tomorrow will go down. I want to close my eyes and wake up with whatever this is that's been heavy on me all these months to be gone. I am hoping something like that will transpire. I am hoping for release.

I am not afraid of pain. Pain is real and temporary. I will miss my boobs, yes. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. And to act like I'm not terrified about the next part would be dishonest. Figuring out what the hell I'm going to not do for the weeks I'm going to be laid up is also rather daunting. I am really bad at sitting down.

I've run through it all, freaked out, cried, thrown things at the wall. Regrets for what could or might have been are hollow and useless. There is no time for that. Loss, yes. And anger, a little bit. If I could just take the fucker outside and beat it bloody myself I would......but I'll leave that part up to the folks with the medical degrees.

I am no longer who and what I thought I was. What was important occupies so little of my time now I wonder why I wasted so many years on it. There are better things. Getting to them isn't easy.

So tomorrow, April 30th, at 10:30 am.

I'll be the one with the bells on.

6 comments:

Travis said...

Abby, I want you to know that even though we totally don't really know one another, I'm reading this post at my work and fighting back the tears. Not sad tears, mind you, but the kind of tears that come from being in such absolute awe of someone.

Your strength, your ability to never give in to the depression and to remain with your chin up...it's staggering.

I hope you have a speedy recovery, get plenty of free ice cream, (oh wait, that's when you get your tonsils removed, nevermind...) and above all else, know that you inspire people you've never really met with your amazing outlook on what really matters in life.

Living.

lilrant said...

Regarding your surgery; may your pain be fleeting,your recuperation be swift and your remission be enduring.

Things to do whilst laid-up: read, watch great old movies, perhaps create some found-art objects, but above all please continue to let your little light shine through your wonderful blog!

justAmom

pentekno2 said...

Abby. Im so relieved that all went well with the surgery and it was great to talk to you on the phone today. So much changed and in a much shorter amount of time than I thought possible. My thoughts and beliefs on life took me years to come to, and in the period of a little more than a half a year, so much is different. Before you and I, I knew that cancer existed, but it was something that would never effect me in such a personal way. We were young - we were invincible to such things. Oh how wrong I was. I was wrong about alot of things in my life I fear, but I don't regret that.

The burden is lifting. All that. You know better than anybody else I know the fears. To feel them start to fade is one of the greatest feelings.

claire said...

Hi, I found your blog on another blogger's blog roll. I wanted to tell you about the non-profit I work for, Breast Cancer Recovery. We sponsor wellness retreats for women with breast cancer and have specialty retreats for young women and women with metastatic breast cancer. You should check it out! Scholarships are available and the retreat is really a lot of fun. It could be something to look forward to while you're recovering from surgery. www.bcrecovery.org.
- Claire, Breast Cancer Recovery, toll free: 888-821-1140

Pam said...

Love to you and for you.
And hope...lots and lots of hope.
xoxoxoxo,pam

Kai said...

I can't even begin to imagine. Through this whole thing I have thought "What would I do?" I have watched several people I loved in my life battle with this horrible unfair disease and lose. So it is in turn one of my biggest fears. Fear of losing someone else I love to it. Fear of one day having to deal with it myself. I admire you so much for the way you have tackled this. I expected nothing less from you but still, I'm impressed and grateful. You will get thru this. You will sit still for a few weeks and NOT GO TO THE GYM!!! Blog, craft, write music... Especially the music part. : ) I love you! Thank you for being an inspiration.