In Triplicate, Please

So, CAT scans aren't fun. No. Not even sort of fun. However echo cardiograms are pretty cool. I got to see an ultrasonic picture of my heart today. I made a little shriek and a few of the men in white came in to see if everything was ok. I guess they get very little shrieking in the echo cardiogram room. My descending aorta makes a sound like a wildcat, I shit you not, it makes wildcat fighting noises. I found that infinitely funnier than the poor guy doing the test. I think he thought I was nuts, but, as I said earlier, I really don't care anymore. Joy happens.
But CAT scans, well. Drink all of this nasty stuff and then hang out for three hours and then drink more nasty stuff, and more nasty stuff, and then we'll shoot you up with dye that makes you feel like you're whizzling all over yourself, but you're not so don't get up in the machine, and then we'll give you a lollipop. The barium cocktail tastes remarkably like strawberry vodka and Redbull, both of which I despise. Felt like I was in some sorority nightmare. Blech!

Just a little aside. I have had to deal with HOSPITAL for roughly a week now, so it is a thing I am learning. I understand that the greatest feats of modern medicine take place within these walls. That terrible afflictions are cured, that entire organ systems are replaced, souls healed, all of it and I'm not being snarky, I mean it. HOSPITAL saved my mother from dying of cancer, and it will save me. HOSPITAL is amazing! But how come HOSPITAL can't figure out a way to consolidate the sheer number of forms poor patient has to fill out. It is a small price to pay I guess, but sheesh. I think I'm just going to walk around like Paddington Bear with a little note taped to my jacket that has all of my important information on it. I'll just download some generic forms and let each office put their special sticker on them. Maybe I'll wear a little Blue toggle coat too! "Hippa Laws, Hippa Laws," the nurse kept saying. I must look up these laws. Not sure if Hippa ever had cancer but dude its hard enough getting to the appointments on time, ease up on the dittos in the waiting room.

*I quit smoking today. That may be why paperwork has presented itself an insurmountable obstacle.