So I've been thinking lately. I think a lot now. I've been wondering how do you say thank you to people who have sacrificed their own hair in solidarity. I don't know how. Thank you all so much. I cannot make enough chicken in gratitude. There are not enough chickens to fry (or tofu, accordingly). I've been thinking a lot about hair, as my funny "little rabbit" haircut will soon give way to no hair at all. And I've been thinking about Royal Oak Michigan....
If my memory serves me it was the summer of 1994 but I could be wrong. There was a boy. His name was Andy and he came from a row of workingman's houses in Royal Oak. He was beautiful. Long hair dark-eyed beautiful. He worked days in a garage but fancied himself an artist. I was in love with him for a little while, I think, but what do you ever know before you're 25. The important part of all this is he was in love with me and I was so confused by that. This beautiful creature thought I was a beautiful creature and I was so worried! I was dumb-16-year-old-girl-worried about everything- my hair, my weight, my clothes, what I said, what I didn't say. Andy didn't care, he just thought I was beautiful. I wasted that joy in my insane self consciousness.
They say stress may cause cancer so technically worrying about my damned hair has ultimately led to its loss. All those things I've worried about are real now. In another week or so I'll be bald. The poison has made my skin do crazy things. I may gain weight because of hormones or lose it because I can't keep food down. My body is slowly showing signs of dis-ease. And I think back to that girl; the girl I saw, and the girl that beautiful boy saw one summer and realize I have a lot of time to make up for. Fuck a bunch of worrying anymore!
We are the masks we wear, what we perceive as ourselves. Every self assumption is a piece of armor and we build it up to get by as unassailed as possible. We don't like getting hurt. Big boobs. Big hair. These are symbols of "beauty", fall-back defenses almost. We can hide behind them. I have for years. What happens when they go away? I have no idea. But hair is just hair. And boobs, well....they really are just boobs.
I woke up with cancer one morning but I also woke up with this weird, fully aware opportunity at reinvention. Disease imposed reinvention but reinvention nonetheless. That's a mother to wrap yr head around. I can be anything now except what I was before. That's frighteningly reassuring!
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7 comments:
you are my mariposa.
nothing will ever take your beauty away.
prayers and good wishes are with you... i lost my sis to gall bladder cancer :(
I second what supergirlest said.
Cancer can take your hair and your boob, but it won't ever take your beauty away!!
abby, your courage/attitude will see you through...
i have a friend here in blogger, a young mother... she found out she has ms, and is dealing with it well, most times... but she also has a son who is autistic... imagine what goes through her mind...
we all have something, don't we?
not all the same, but still something....
Don't give me too much credit, love... I was totally looking for an excuse to shave my head anyway.
And hair and boobs have never defined who you are to anyone who knows you, or listens to your songs, or reads your words. They were just frosting... and I prefer my cake with only a glaze anyway. ;)
I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and pulling for you! You have the strength to win! With Chris and your friends by your side you have an insurmountable opportunity towards victory with this crap! You are a truly awesome person Abby!!!
--jon freeman
I got passed this blog from a friend named Dee. She knows that I have lost my hair as well due to a battle with Lymphoma. I read this and thought to myself I know where you are coming from and how you feel . Remember .. hair is matieral and your heart and sprit are not . Use heart and mind united and you will soon realize that you have a beauty that no one can take away .
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